In a beautiful world I wish I was special

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Just some THOUGHTS

- I fell on the ice today. flat on my booty. it was surprisingly not painful and cushioned by my gigantic black parka. i waved at all the people staring.

- two of my friends also fell, after laughing at other kids we saw take a tumble. KARMA

- i wrote a Haiku about the experience:

Three Freshman Walking. Freezing Ice and Falling Snow. Slip Slip Falling Down.

- there is a uni-sex, handicapped bathroom across from my room, all of the girls surrounding me use it instead of going down the hall to the "woman's" bathroom. BUT sometimes people wait for it. Like its a one-person bathroom and sometimes you walk out to see someone waiting there- its the most uncomfortable situation. You couldn't walk down the hall to a many-stall-available bathroom? I mean sometimes you wanna be alone but SERIOUSLY. Its so awkward for both parties. Just don't do it people. Or if you must, at least be more slick about it- like pretend to walk up at that moment instead of standing alone in the hallway waiting like a little creep.

- i love mondays this semester. Its my Sing, Dance and ACT day. Just a day spent with the arts and art-minded people, gotta love it i tell ya!

I wish I could vomit on command

People always say, "sorry, I just threw up in my mouth"
to sarcastically express their irritation/frustration/distaste/disapproval etc etc.

but wouldn't it just be splendid to be able to actually throw up? On command? To express loudly and clearly to everyone around you how horrified and disgusted you are at some action/phrase/comment/expression or general personality of the offender? Like a truly disgusting, (preferably) projectile, make-you-wince-at-the-sound VOMIT. Gross right?

well not as gross as some people's general actions.

You know them. Those sly individuals who just creep up and leave you so frustrated you can feel your butt clench because it's painful just to be around them.

Strong words catherine. Strong words...

Fortunately, with the right, equally sly lingo, you can make up an excuse to leave and walk briskly away from them and find refuge in other individuals. But sometimes they just wont leave. They ignore your "bail-out" words and follow you. Like seriously? What is up with that? they Don't get that you are walking away? Or do they get it and just ignore it? (most likely) so they proceed to talk and walk, like what they have to say is literally so important it must we discussed on the go...pet peeve, pet peeve. And what then? You reach into your "For Emergencies Only" patience-reserve and you put up with them. Ooooorrrrr:

You could vomit all over their shoes.

Then they'd have to leave to go wipe them up, or get a new pair altogether, and then they'd miss out on all the lively conversation.....

Unfortunate!

Listen!!

(Her) Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

(Him) Holy moly, me, oh my,
you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

(Her) Man, oh man, you’re my best friend,
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need

(Him) Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie,
chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I’m coming Home

(Him) I’ll follow you into the park,
through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

(Her) Moats & boats & waterfalls,
alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you

(Him) That’s true

(Him) We laugh until we think we’ll die,
barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

(Her) And in the streets we’re running free,
like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.

Chorus

“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”
“Now I know!”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

(Him) Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

(Her) Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I’m alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas,
I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls
alleyways & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

makeup and clothing and money oh MOA!

- this post gave me a fabulous excuse (like i needed one) to google image loads of style icons.


the Mall of America is calling my name....

catherine! catherine! come and buy things! lots of things! spend all your money!

Oh MOA you little devil! but if you insist....

I have a problem with buying clothes. Not in a splurge way, but in the fact that whether i want to admit it or not, i'm pretty cheap. i want tons and tons of clothes and i covet everything at Jcrew and the like, but I rarely spend more than 25 bucks on a single item...and when i do, its a usually a big deal, and already on sale. Which probably explains why i have a surplus of tops and slim pickings for pants and skirts etc.

My mom recently bought a book called I ♥ Your Style: How to Define and Refine Your Personal Style By Amanda Brooks. I LOVE it. Its full of different types of styles; Classic, Bohemian, Eclectic, Minimal, High Fashion etc. Each chapter shows you tons of pictures and inspirational movies and books you can check out if you need to rev up your wardrobe. My favorite part though is that each chapter outlines the absolute basics you should have in your wardrobe depending on your favorite and personal style. At first I thought I was just meant to be classic- Jackie O, Audrey, Grace Kelly and even Blair Waldorf are all my favorites,

but nooooo I also love Boho and Minimal- Dammit all! More CONFUSION in my life!!!

But then I remembered....Unlike religion and school etc, the fashion world may have rules and guidelines but you don't need to follow them, and the fashion world does not discriminate! Just because I like classical doesn't mean I can't also like bohemian. Your wardrobe can and should be as versatile as your personality and moods. Dress how you feel! The trick then is to combine these styles into one look that is all your own, which im still working on.

Today I feel like a scrub. Sweatpants- HOLLER

Tomorrow I'm headed to Aveda with Michaella to get our hair done- I'm going back to brown folks, darker brown though- dare I say, chocolate? And then we're going shopping- at Mall of America. And I plan on using Ms. Brook's guidelines for "essentials" to aid in my purchases. Oh lord I can not WAIT

The Ways of Providence are Infinite (or) this is a flipping long post

I just finished the "Pray" section of Eat Pray Love. So far it's been my favorite and I think deeply poignant.

So we all know college is this cultivator for personal change and in this "transformation" many personal and important aspects of one's self may undergo some mega-changes-Political beliefs, personal outlook on life, religious views etc etc.
Many college students find that throughout their college years they gradually move away from the religion they grew up with. Either that, or they drop it first chance they get- usually after a very "collegey" experience; sex, drugs alcohol, you know, the usual... This new-found freedom and sense of liberation typically may have been frowned upon in many a religion- but dammit it's all so fun! How can this be wrong? So the logical answer of course is to drop it all, the restrictions and the guilt and the obligations. I have a Jewish friend who started eating bacon recently- she felt guilty but when I asked her about the future of her bacon-eating career she replied, "I'll probably start doing it more actually". I have a Catholic friend who stopped going to church, they felt guilty, but not enough to start going again, another kid I know changed religions all together and so the list continues. And once again I'm sitting here feeling like I'm missing something! The conversation between my right and left shoulder-angels goes a little something like this:

"Wow Catherine, the Jews are eating bacon and you're still going to church every Sunday... how many ways can you spell LOSER?"
"Shut up! There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying true to old beliefs."
"Sure, but where's the questioning? The ANGER? After 18 years of putting up with all these rules why don't you live a little?"
"I do live...I live just about every weekend thank you very much."
"That's true....."

So my right angel wins for the time being.

I've been having this debate over religion with just about everyone I know. My friends are quite intelligent. We usually talk about not-so-serious things so given that the chance to talk about something so important they jumped at it! *these are all paraphrased, so forgive me anonymous friends!

a) on why they still like being Catholic: "Well there have been plenty of things I don't like about the Catholic church, but at the end of the day, the pros out way the cons. There are just too many things about it that I can't stray from, too many things with too much evidence proving that it's right. However, the God I picture is so loving that even if this was the only true religion, he wouldn't punish anyone else for not being Catholic. "

b) on why Christianity is over-rated: "A kid born to a Hindu mother believes that his God and his religion are the truth and therefore it is superior to Christianity and Judaism, the same applies to a child born into a Catholic family. So how can we actually know which religion is the true religion?"

c) On the "meaning of life": "I think that despite popular belief, we aren't put on this earth as a huge test- if you fail you go to hell. While I do think that there is a heaven I think that we are put here to eventually get to heaven, and that the purpose of life is to help each other along the way. Whether you believe in heaven or not, I think that everyone's life is fulfilled and enriched by giving back to others."

i tell ya! that college education must be paying off...

But the following passages from E,P,L are what really got me:

-As one line from the Upanishads suggests: "People follow different paths, straight or crooked, according to their temperament, depending on what they consider best, or most appropriate- and all reach You, just as rivers enter the ocean."

- The Hopi Indians thought that the world's religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of the dark cycle of history and into the next realm. More contemporary, the Dali Lama has repeated the same idea, assuring his Western students repeatedly that they needn't become Tibetan Buddhists in order to be his pupils. He welcomes them to take whatever ideas they like out of Tibetan Buddhism and integrate these ideas into their own religious practices....Even in the most unlikely and conservative of places, you can find sometimes this glimmering idea that God just might be bigger then our limited religious doctrines have taught us. In 1954, Pope Pius XI sent some Vatican delegates on a trip to Libya with these written instructions: "Do NOT think that you are going among Infidels. Muslims attain salvation too. The ways of Providence are infinite."
But doesn't that make sense? That the infinite would be, indeed...infinite? That even the most holy amongst us would only be able to see scattered pieces of the eternal picture at any given time? And that maybe if we cold collect those pieces and compare them, a story about God would begin to emerge that resembles and includes everyone? And isn't our individual longing for transcendence all just part of this larger human search for divinity? Don't we each have the right to not stop seeking until we get as close to the source of wonder as possible?

Elizabeth Gilbert, you just might be my guru

I know I'm leaving, but I don't know where to

Everyone looks to the new year for resolutions and personal change and I am not exempt from this feeling. My new years eve celebration last night was not exactly my favorite, but as I awoke this morning I was happy to note that this morning is a year different then last night and its never too early for making changes.
At the beginning of this New Year, I anticipate many wonderful happenings for 2010; change and adventure and excitement and beauty and new beginnings and also some endings. I think it is really important to be able to personally (mentally and emotionally) be able to "let go." So cliche right? But I think that everyone is so focused on their changes for the new year and are so set on what they can improve and make better that they forget to deal with the "symptoms".
Say your new year's resolution is to lose weight. You make an exercise plan and buy a gym membership and set tons of goals. Great you're set. wrong. Why did you become overweight in the first place? Do you eat because of your emotions? Do you just have bad snacking habits? If you don't deal with those internal issues first, all your planning and goal setting will fall apart and soon you'll be back at it again! (preachin it) So I am encouraging myself to let go of the negative energy or the regrets and to stop worrying so much about the future. I want to take more chances and live in the present...."Be fully present" is something I'm into right now, don't think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow the present is the only thing that you can fully control...well, most of the time.

Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow has not yet come.
We have only today.
Let us begin.
-Mother Teresa (love her)

I have included yet another Bright Eyes (conor oberst) song because I think its definitely about new beginnings but with that new beginning comes an ending too. Sort of an unexpected "new years inspirational" isn't it?? I may be the only one who manages to grasp this correlation considering I created it, but hey its worth sharing!

I wish you all peace love and prosperity for your new year

♥ Just call me Delilah....I just seem to have all the answers don't I? ;)
ps. I hate The Delilah show.




If you walk away, Ill walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I dont want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, Ill walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold steady rain
Just stay in when its looking this way

And the moons laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like the jewelry store case
They argue walk this way, no, walk this way

And Lauras asleep in my bed
As Im leaving she wakes up and says
I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby dont go away, come here

And theres kids playing guns in the street
And ones pointing his tree branch at me
So I put my hands up I say enough is enough,
If you walk away, Ill walk away
And he shot me dead

I found a liquid cure
From my landlocked blues
Itll pass away like a slow parade
Its leaving but I dont know how soon

And the worlds got me dizzy again
You think after 22 years Id be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So Im always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And Im balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase
If you love something, give it away

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
But you may be offended and you may be afraid
But dont walk away, dont walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background of a televised war
And in the deafening pleasure I thought I heard someone say
If we walk away, theyll walk away

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedoms a joke
Were just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If youre still free start running away
Cause were coming for you!

Ive grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So Im making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying let me walk away, please
Youll be free child once you have died
From the shackles of language and measurable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then walk away, walk away

So Im up at dawn
Putting on my shoes
I just want to make a clean escape
Im leaving but I dont know where to
I know Im leaving but I dont know where to

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