The Dying Swan

I once has a subscription for Pointe Magazine and at the end of each issue there was an interview with a dancer where they would ask the question, "What is your most memorable/meaningful dance performance?" and one month the dancer interviewed said "I was out in the street once and there was a demonstration, and I just had to be a part of it; so I danced the Dying Swan in my jeans and sweatshirt to no music...afterwords, an old man came up to me with tears in his eyes, thanking me for my performance. That was most memorable for me"

I don't know why, but as a junior-high-wanna-be ballerina, I could think of nothing more beautiful.

I was randomly watching dance videos today and came across this masterpiece. I may have started to cry. She is a goddess. AND I'm determined to name one of my future children Odette. Now you know.

Have a Lovely Weekend!

Intimate Relationships FSoS 1101

As I've mentioned previously, I have a campus job as a telemarketer for the University, calling alumni. I like the job substantially more than I did this summer, because:

A) I've gotten much better at it
B) I thoroughly enjoy my co-workers
C) I have a new "call center crush" once a week
D) I've started taking advantage of their endless/free hot chocolate supply

The other night, during our break, I was chatting with quite a few of my co-workers about a class offered at the U called, "Intimate Relationships". Apparently everyone and their grandma has taken the class and has loved it. Everyone was commenting about how they've learned their "love styles" and how to prevent "intimacy killers" in their relationships. One of my friends mentioned that she had in fact, learned what went wrong in her last relationship and now knows how to make different choices in the future.....Sounds like a real winner HUH?

By this point I was intrigued, especially considering its an easy-A, 4 credit course that fulfills multiple Lib Ed requirements! Plus who wouldn't want to do some self-exploration??

But then I made the fatal mistake of asking whether or not it helped to be in a relationship while taking the class...or if it was important to have at least been in a relationship to benefit fully from the course. My friend said "No...but that is kind of the base for the class, your final paper just might be more difficult to write"

The conversation moved forward and I was happy that no questioned my "relationship past" any further. Well looks like I jinxed it because not 2 minutes later one of my favorite callers asked, "Sorry...I don't mean to pry...BUT have you not? .... been in a serious relationship before?"

*DAMN.*

"Well, no. I haven't. I've never had a boyfriend"

At this point I swear to god the entire call center got quiet.

"Ohhhhhh! I'm sorry!!!" He said, giving me sad eyes that you give to someone whos puppy just died. "Do you want a hug!?"

*He is one of my fave callers, and I know that he is very sweet and means no harm but I'm sorry, why would I need a hug in this circumstance?!? Stop drawing attention to this topic!!*

"(uncomfortable laugh) No! That's OK! I'm not upset about it or anything, it's not a big deal, really!!"

"Well, can I have a hug anyway?"

"Sure"

*embrace*

Well, then my friend then asked for a hug...I should have stopped with the first pity-hug but I went for it anyway. She was sitting in one of those tippy office chairs, so when I bent over for the hug we tipped backwards and I almost took us both to the ground. She managed to hold me up but at this point everyone was staring. The worst part wasn't even the tipping back, it was the fact that my jeans are too loose and no-doubt slipped down low enough to reveal my neon teal thong. So now I'm the clumsy, thong-wearing, awkward, no-boyfriend caller. YEAH!

Before, I didn't think that the whole, "I've never had a boyfriend" thing was a big deal, people never really ask and I always have plenty of boy gossip and (I think) I give good boy-advice...Maybe I should have gotten the hint this past summer when my dad (bless his heart) was driving around with me and said, "So this next school year, maybe one of your goals could be to have a boyfriend.....Or maybe not a boyfriend! But maybe you could date some guys"
I told him I would work on it.
Well. Now its November of Sophomore year and I attend a University that educates just around 50,000 students....many of which are of the Male species and many of which are single. So now I'm starting to think there's an issue.

Apparently my computer thinks so too because recently a travesty of an ad popped up on my screen.....

In my Mass Communications class we discussed the fact that advertisers have started to track your online activity and then they target your specific interests when advertising to you. Lots of people tisk-tisked and said that they NEVER click on those....and my professor responded, "Well someone is, because advertisers are making billions off of them"

I am. I click on the ads.

For example, currently, the ads on the side of my Facebook page are the following:

Frozen Mexican Dinners!
* definitely applicable to my life

HUMOROUS JEWISH T-SHIRTS
*definitely applicable to my life, because I am a closeted Jew....but we can get to that later

The Rocky Horror GLEE Show
*goes without saying

HOT Shoes, JUST 39.99 at SHOEDAZZLE.com
*Shoe Dazzle is a company started by Kim Kardashian....aka definitely applicable to my life

So you get the idea.

But the other day....an add popped up that I should have closed out of and when prompted with the question, "You have removed this ad. Why didn't you like it?" I should have marked Offensive or Misleading or Other or all three.

But I didn't. I clicked on it. I was so utterly horrified.

It was an advertisement for a book. The title is:

Seeking Happily Ever After: Navigating the Ups and Downs of Being Single Without Losing Your Mind(and Finding Lasting Love Along the Way)

I almost cried. Which would actually probs put me further into their target demographic.

The author also wrote a book titled,

I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!

Well folks, that pretty much sums it up.

Rejection is My Way of Life

"The list is up" are words that make your heart race. It comes with the business but that doesn't make it any more fun: The Cast List. The Call-Back List. The List.

Its a little shit of a page. So plain, so small, so simple and yet the words on it carry so much weight. After every audition you leave with your head yelling at you:

"I didn't get in."

"That girl who went in before me had an awesome body. And great boobs. SHIT."

"No I think I did OK. They smiled, they looked genuine....I think they liked me"

"Tap dancing? I can tap! So why couldn't you think of anything to show them, HUH?"

"My song was out of tune...I know it"

"No seriously, I've talked with that director before! He liked me then - we had a great conversation that one time!"

"I didn't get in."

and so on and so on and so on.

But all these little doubts and insecurities mean nothing until you see the list. Most times there is a call-back and you go through another audition only this time, you usually get to see and judge all the people you're competing with. That's always fun.

But more times than not, you don't get a call back. Or you do and then you don't get in the show. And how do you find out? They post a List.

I have a List ritual consisting of a few ground rules:

1) Always go to the list alone.
- if people ask you to go with them DON'T
- this ensures that
a- if you get in and they don't, its not awkward.
b- if they get in and you don't, you don't strangle them right there
and c- if you both don't get in, no one can see you (possibly) start to cry

2) Always assume that you didn't make it.
- This way, you can never be disappointed. I know that goes against the Law of Attraction but I have made the mistake of feeling like I had an amaaazing audition and KNOWING 100% that I would get a call-back, and then I didn't. So that was awkward for me.

3) Check the list once.
-I always scan quickly for a C or an N

4) Check the list again.
-I carefully drag my finger from name to name carefully reading each one to see if its mine.

5) Check the list one last time.
- Then I go through and actually register names and connect them with faces and start to mentally picture all the people who beat me out for a spot in the cast.

6) Leave the area of wherever the List was posted with a slight smile, a Mona Lisa, if you will
- This way, no one can tell whether or not you made the cut
-If they want to know, they can read it themselves.
- Plus, if you did make it, you don't want to appear tooo happy or you will no doubt hurt someone's feelings

7) Always congratulate those who made it in - not to make them feel bad, but because bitterness is not a good look for anyone. Of course you can still stab them repeatedly in your mind - but that's the best part of being an actor....no one needs to know.

Rejection from a boy is one thing, but nothing makes you question yourself -- your abilities, your personal appearance, your talent, your training, your future, your life -- then rejection from your art.